Caring versus Caretaking

It’s natural to want to support the people you love and care about.  But too often, what we think of as “caring” is actually “caretaking.”  Our gestures, although outwardly kind, supportive or helpful, actually serve to diminish the integrity of the relationship.  Like an invisible weight that everyone must carry, we become enmeshed, burdened, obligated or resentful.  So how can you tell if you’re “caring” or “caretaking?”

Caring versus Caretaking

When we care for someone, we’re moved by love to take action, to listen or witness, or to offer a kind word or helping hand.  Caring is a movement of energy that expands or uplifts everyone involved.  It’s always “win-win.”  You’re as filled by the offer of support as the person you’re offering it to.  Even if you’ve expended physical or emotional energy, your heart feels somehow fuller.

Caretaking, on the other hand, can leave you feeling depleted or like you’ve completed a tiresome but necessary task.  When we caretake someone, even if it’s someone we love, the love is somehow diminished or overshadowed by something else.  Oftentimes, we’re not merely expressing the love we feel in our hearts but trying to “manage” something. 

Defensive Caretaking

Many of us learned how to caretake the people around us growing up.  We learned how to manage the emotional states of our siblings and parents as a way to stay safe or avoid conflict.  We discovered that when we sacrificed our energy in service of someone else, we got something we wanted, or more frequently, avoided something we didn’t.  We filled a roll or performed a physical, mental or emotional task as a way of managing someone else’s experience or response.  Defensive caretaking is a veiled attempt to get our own emotional needs met.

When we caretake someone, the “giving” quality of our efforts have a hidden “taking” quality. Even if our gesture is outwardly kind, supportive or helpful, everyone involved is diminished by the movement of energy.

When caretaking becomes a conditioned, defensive response, each act or gesture is like an energetic cord binding and enmeshing everyone involved.  Freedom, autonomy and choice are lost. By adulthood, defensive caretaking can become a way a life.  We then feel trapped in predictable ways of relating in our closest relationships.  Our caretaking response may even be expected.  We are caught in a trap of our own making. We then must keep sacrificing, even when we don’t want to. 

Common beliefs and shadow desires that accompany caretaking include:

• You believe the other person “can’t” do it themselves;

• You want to “save” them;

• You’re trying to avoid a conflict or other messy expression or confrontation;

• You're trying to prove your "goodness;"

• You’re checking a box, turning the other person into a responsibility;

• You’re hoping if you give, the other person will be there for you when you need something or will be less likely to abandon you.

When we offer our energy with these beliefs or shadow desires, we’re denying the personal power of the other person, diminishing them in the process.  Oftentimes, we’re trying to control what they do or how they react, denying them the freedom of choice and expression.  We sacrifice our own energy, while secretly resenting them for it, thus poisoning the relational waters.  We give, but we expect something in return.  Obligation becomes a heavy weight that both people must carry.

How to Tell?

Caring and caretaking feel quite different energetically.  When we care for someone, even if we expend energy in the caring, we feel good, more connected or more fulfilled as a result.  In opening our hearts and allowing the movement of loving energy to pass through, we build connection and expand our own capacity for love.  Something has been lovingly offered and gratefully received, and the circle of connection is made stronger.  Both people are lifted by the movement of energy.

Caretaking is usually accompanied by heavier feelings.  It may feel like a debt has been paid, something has been stored up for future use, or like we’ve expended energy to avoid something difficult or even more draining.  We’ve managed a situation, and even if we’ve been successful, we feel drained or heavy.  Caretaking is oftentimes an expression of ego energy.  We've affirmed our sense of self as a “good person,” but no meeting of hearts has occurred.  We’ve expended energy for reasons other than love, or we’ve taken energy from another to satisfy a personal agenda.  In either care, something has been stolen or lost. Whether we’re caretaking someone else, or not-so-subtly demanding someone caretake us, it feels icky.  We’re trying to manipulate or allowing ourselves to be manipulated.

Caretaking patterns in established relationships can exert a lot of pressure.  To step out of these habitual roles, we must create healthy separation.  Some things to consider:

• Are you taking away the other person’s sovereignty, by trying to keep them from experiencing the consequences of their choices?

• Are you viewing them as perpetually incapable of resourcing themselves (versus meeting a temporary need in times of stress)?

• Are you doing it become you “feel sorry” for them?

• Are you trying to manage their emotional response to avoid something unpleasant?

• Is there a sense of “obligation?”  Do you feel obligated, or are you secretly trying to obligate them?

• Do your acts of service feed your own sense of self as a “good person/partner/daughter,” etc.?

• Do you feel manipulated or like you’re trying to manipulate?

How to Pivot

It’s possible to pivot out of the sacrifice and manipulation of "caretaking" into a more heart-centered, well-bounded, relational "caring."  Rather than trying to fix a problem, we can acknowledge the challenge being faced, as well as the other person’s capacity to find a solution.  We can listen to or witness someone in their pain, without diminishing their power or trying to save them from the consequences of repeated choices.   We can lovingly say no to a demand for support and choose to remain present for a potentially difficult expression of emotion, without trying to manage it or personally take it on.

Oftentimes, the truly caring thing may be to simply witness, with compassion, the challenges another is facing.  When we witness, we neither deny the struggle nor deny their personal power and sovereignty.  Even if the other person isn’t able to acknowledge the love and true caring of your presence, both of you will likely feel the soft heart energies moving in the space between you.  Love can truly heal all.  When we "care" instead of "caretake," we’re not only dissolving negative tendencies that have accumulated in the relational space but are working toward building a more authentic sense of loving connection.